So you want to be a chef…

Here is the second thing I received when I began culinary school…okay, I am not sure if it was the SECOND thing I was given, but it just so happened to be given to me after The Kitchen Code. Which, if you haven’t read, you need to. It’s pretty funny and mostly true if you’re familiar with a professional kitchen. Like The Kitchen Code, I have no idea where this list came from but it’s out there but it’s a (mostly) accurate indication of the life and times of professional kitchens.

What you can expect from making a living in a professional kitchen:

1. You’ll almost always have open wounds on your hands and arms.
2. You’ll never meet new people because your social life deteriorates into non-existence.
3. You’ll find it hard to start relationships because alone time will become a precious thing.
4. You’ll lose your social skills.
5. Your sense of humor will degrade into the politically incorrect and socially unacceptable.
6. You’ll eventually start swearing like a sailor and you won’t even notice yourself doing it.
7. You’ll turn into an anorak/monomaniac and always turn all conversations back to food.
8. You’ll earn a pittance for years/decades.
9. You’ll either lose a vast amount of weight or gain a vast amount of weight.
10. You’ll never ever have a tan again.
11. You won’t become famous.
12. You’ll develop a habit, whether it be coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, cannabis, cocaine, or even red bull.
13. Your feet will get destroyed.
14. Your back will get destroyed.
15. Your hands will get destroyed.
16. You’ll live in a constant state of sleep deprivation indefinitely.
17. You’ll have to ask your friends to plan everything around your schedule, which is in complete opposition with their availability because you never know your days off in advance and you probably won’t be able to change it.
18. You’ll become a very highly strung natured person.
19. You’ll become more prone to temper flare ups.
20. Your awareness of other people’s lack of efficiency and common sense will increase and your tolerance of it will decrease.
21. You’ll spend the largest part of your life cooped up in a small, undecorated room with poor ventilation, high temperatures, a lot of noise, humidity, no natural light and no windows, with a small group of people who will become your only social interactions.
22. You will work longer hours than you ever imagined possible or thought legal.
23. You will spend all your waking hours on your feet, never getting a chance to sit down even for 5 minutes.
24. Your shortest work days will be longer than most people’s longest, and your longer work days, which make up about half of your working week, will be longer than the average person is awake in a day.
25. You will not cook gourmet dinners at home. You’ll be too tired, and too fed up of cooking.
26. You will probably start eating mostly fast food and cheap instant noodles.
27. You will be the subject of abuse, whether physical or emotional. Officially, it will be as a test of character. In reality, it will be as a form of entertainment.
28. You will end up spending so much time at work that your colleagues will know you better than your partner/family/friends do.
29. You will meet and form strong bonds with types of people whom you’d previously never even imagined sharing conversations with.
30. You will be in a constant state of stress.
31. You will never be irreplaceable and will be expected to constantly give 110%.
32. You will always be exhausted.
33. You will not be allowed to call in sick for a hangover.
34. You will be expected to place your work before any other part of your life in your list of priorities.
35. You will never be congratulated on your work.
36. You will be expected to treat your superiors as absolute masters and never answer back, try to explain yourself, start a conversation, or show any other type of insubordination, even if you know that they are in the wrong or feel as if their behavior towards you is unacceptable.
37. It will become very difficult to watch friends cook.
38. You mom will stop cooking for your because she feels embarrassed.
39. You will be expected to cook for family gatherings such as Christmas EVERY SINGLE YEAR. Luckily, at least one year out of two, you will be working on Christmas.
40. At least one year out of two, and maybe every year, you will work on Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Easter, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, bank holidays, Halloween, your birthday, and pretty much every other day of celebration on the calendar.
41. You will have to work many years in menial positions before attaining any level of authority in the workplace.
42. The better the restaurant is, the longer the work hours become, the more pressure you end up under, the more unhealthy your lifestyle will become, the more likely you will be to develop a habit, the more competitive the people around you will become, the less sleep you’ll get, the less you’ll eat, etc.
43. You will constantly make mistakes, and every time you do make a mistake, someone will notice it and make you understand that you are clearly a subhuman because only a subhuman could make such a mistake.
44. If you are a woman, you will constantly be the subject of misogynist remarks and jokes, sexual harassment, belittlement and remarks about your menstrual cycle.
45. None of your friends or family will understand what is involved in your work and you will never be able to make them understand.
46. You will spend vast amounts of money on equipment, books, eating in good restaurants etc, which will leave you with not much money for other things.
47. You will develop a creepy obsession with knives.
48. If you are a pastry chef, you will develop a creepy obsession with spoons.
49. You will get a rash in your arse crack from the mixture of heat, sweat, and friction that will not heal well, sometimes get infected, will mostly always be slimy and itchy and will be there most of the time.
50. If you are the right type of person, you will thank your lucky stars every single day for the rest of your life for making the best decision you ever made to become a chef. And you will fall in love with your job and never look back.

When I first read it I thought it was hilarious. I asked the chef instructor “what if some of these already apply to me?” She laughed, briefly. She was a tough one that chef, and I liked it. I can tell you that the majority of this list is true. I’ll leave you to figure out which ones. I can tell you that I have cuts and burns on both hands and I can’t even begin to tell you how much arm hair I have burned off. But #50, it’s the best reason for all I’ve endured even if I’m still reaching for chefdom…